Life becomes quiet.

Well, is rather, not becomes.

So there is a new guy at work, and with me being the only "regular" guy at the yard, the rest being either the foreman or the drivers, I spent most of the time with him today. It was probably not the best decision on anyone's part. The guy was not very talkative; perhaps because he was new, perhaps that is just how he is, I don't know. But he wasn't chatty, and neither was I. So I suspect that the guy didn't learn as much on his first as others have. Perhaps if he had been with one of the more talkative fellows, he would have made some good conversation. But with one silent fellow, I guess it wouldn't work.

I am not a talkative person. In really relaxed situations with either close friends, or some family, I can be about an average talker. However, put me with people I am only partly familiar with and I do not talk lots. I let them tell the stories and just add the occasional "huh" or "yeah" or "oh". I also do not speak very loudly at all, and definitely not when not in a relaxed environment. I have to repeat myself, in order to be heard, several times a day at least. It's strange, because I distinctly remember being a kid and being told to quiet down many times. Perhaps this is why? This makes me a very, very good employee, at least, real good in the sense that I will do as I am told. I do not question authority much and am more than willing to do as told, within reason. In fact, I am often lost when forced to make the calls. I wonder if this would make me a good soldier? Meh, too risky to risk.

But yeah, me, real quiet, both in volume and quantity of talk. I just never have much to say. Often some of my fellow employees will make a good-natured joke at/about me, (I don't mind this) and I will just sit there and smile. I sometimes wonder if they think I am taking the jokes badly, with my lack of a witty retort. I can't say. I don't reply to this because I just don't know what to say.

I also am finding that even with the family, I am talking quieter, and not saying very much. This might just be the result of having finally moved out, who can really know? But I do find that even when I have a good conversation going, I stumble over what I say, and at least 1 out of 5 times I ruin a good story or joke I am saying because of it.

One of the root causes of all this is that I have a hard time getting the words out. I think a lot. Not about important stuff, but I can spend a whole 2-4 hour car ride just thinking....or sleeping. But I am a thinker, and when I have a conversation, I know in my head how I want to respond, but when I try and actually speak it, it gets garbled, and either I end up saying things in a more bumpy and less flowing fashion, or I actually get words mixed up. I can think things in a very concise manner, but when I say it, I sound a bit boring, and definitely say it in a more cumbersome manner. This also affects my writing. Sometimes I will have a brilliant idea all worded out in my head, but when I put it to paper or keyboard, it morphs into something less comprehensible and more vague.

Why this is, I have no idea. I don't think it has always been this way. If I had to guess, I would say that it might have something to do with me moving out, or with my somewhat small social life. Both factors make my conversations fewer. Is the answer as simple as this? That is the real question.

So I guess I must just plough on, as I am, and try and speak as best I can, and to remember to speak up. It gives me a challenge and something to work at. Maybe a moon bagel is hidden in my vocabulary somewhere, that would be a sneaky hiding spot.